When Life Has Your Back

This week, life gave me a little gift. Well, maybe more like a hug, or a quick high-five. An “I got you babe.” What happened? The short story is that I got a new client, so now I can let go of a different client. Exciting stuff, right? This might not sound like a win, but trust me. It is. No, I won’t even be making any more money… in fact, conveniently, I will be making the exact same from this client as I make from the other. Basically they cancel each other out. Life just kind of… fixed things for me.

As everyone knows, we’re knee-deep in a worldwide pandemic. Millions of people are jobless. The economy is collapsing. I have been feeling very fortunate to have any work at all, so I have been hanging on to this one client who I know I should part ways with. Nothing happened exactly, but we really aren’t a great match anymore. We’ve evolved in different ways. I feel it every time we meet. I feel it every time I think of them… this nagging “you should just let them go” in the pit of my stomach, followed by the immediate “no, dummy… keep your paying client.”

I was discussing this with a friend of mine earlier in the week; I told her that I’m anxious at the thought of letting them go because I need to conserve all my resources right now. That it would be stupid to cut ties with them, though being able to free up that mental space would be nice. Put it toward something I find more meaningful. And then she asked me something really important: 

“Don’t you trust that new opportunities will arrive, once that space is freed up?”

The truth is that I don’t. I didn’t, and I don’t… not if I’m being honest about it. I have felt let down so many times in life, by so many people, including myself. No, I don’t trust much about life at all. I know that I should, I know that it would be helpful if I did and I know that I’m trying. I’m seeing progress in this realm, but I’m still in the training stages. There is no muscle memory for this trust thing of which we speak. I don’t exactly default to leaping, and trusting that the net will appear. At this point I’m more of a “build the net yourself so you know exactly what it’s made of and what it will hold” kind of person. So, got some trust issues over here.

Anyway, I had been doing a lot of thinking about her question… weighing her sentiment against the concrete reality… and trying to arrive at a solution that makes sense for me. The solution I came to on Wednesday night was that I need to just let them go. I need to trust myself to be frugal with my money and to be mindful of where I am putting my energy. I need to free up the space they are taking up, and invite something new to occupy it. I can do this. By this point I had become really excited to feel “on track” again. I hadn’t realized that’s what I had been feeling… off track.

On Thursday I received a message from that same friend who pinged all my trust issues with her question, asking me a new question: did I have the bandwidth to take on a new client? Indeed I did! So, we met… and it was sparks. It was creativity. It was collaboration. It was appreciation. She and I are like peas and carrots, and even now I feel so humbled at how elegantly life can just swoop in and fix it for you… if you’ll be true to yourself. If you’ll get back on track and keep your eye on your prize. The prize that’s meant for you. 

Of course this favorable little windfall won’t magically fix all my trust issues; I know it doesn’t always happen as beautifully as that, but it has shone a light on something that I had forgotten about: Energy flows where attention goes.

Gotta keep remembering that one.

*****

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